Life as I know it # 2

    When Jasmine was born I didn't really want to stay in the hospital any longer than I had to. Hearing from the nurses that I needed to be there at least 24 hours, and Jasmine needed to be checked by her pediatrician before we left made me extremely anxious. I don't ever remember feeling anxious before I gave birth. Little did I know this was the start of a world of anxiety. That 24 hours in the hospital was the longest 24 hours of my life. I couldn't sleep at all there was a nurse coming in every hour to check on me and the baby. I just wanted to go home to sleep in my own bed and feel comfortable again. I didn't quite understand why I was so nervous that all these people around me were strangers, I never felt like that before. I was kind of an outgoing person. Had a lot of friends, and did lots of things. I had asked one of the nurses if there was something wrong with me, that I felt like anxiety was washing over me. She told me that it was probably the hormones, and that it was normal for every first time parent to be nervous. So I took her word for it I mean she was a nurse she had to have known what she was talking about.

    The next day I was super anxious again, waiting for Jasmine's pediatrician to come and check her so that we could go home. The nurses told me the doctor would check her at a certain time, but that certain time had come and passed. The waiting was horrible, I had all these questions in my head like what are they checking her for, and was there something wrong with her is that why she needed to be checked. When the doctor finally did check her, she told me the Jasmine looks a little jaundice. I had no idea what jaundice was. She told me she looks yellow but not too bad, so I would just need to set her and natural sunlight and she should be fine. I would also need to take her for blood work in a few days to check her levels. For some reason I had all these questions in my heart but when she was there waiting and asking me if I had any questions I couldn't speak. So I just told her No I'm fine. Then she reminded me if I did I could call the hospital and they would answer them for me. The only thing that I said to her after that was so we can go home now? And she said yes, that made me so happy!

We still didn't have a vehicle at this time, so I needed to call my mom and tell her to come pick us up. Waiting for her didn't take very long and I was super excited because I knew she would be there soon. When my mom arrived the nurses put me in a wheelchair to wheel me down to the car. I carried Jasmine with me in the wheelchair, I didn't really want anyone but me touching her. I was really anxious about germs and I thought they would give her something I don't know what if they touched her. I put Jasmine in the car seat and buckled her in triple checking the straps to make sure she was safe. Joe was with my mom, I was prepared to give up the front seat so that I could sit there. But I wanted to sit next to Jasmine, I kept having pictures in my head that something bad was going to happen to her and I wanted to watch her at all times. That first car ride was awful, I remember yelling about how my mom was driving and I don't think really she was driving all that bad it was just my anxieties getting the best of me. I clearly remember pulling into the apartment parking lot and thinking to myself thank goodness we made it alive.

    My mom was just dropping us off she couldn't stay. Me and Joey were getting out of the car and I was trying to unhook the car seat so that I could pick her up and carry her inside. Of course Joseph wanted to carry her in because I had just given birth and I probably shouldn't have been carrying her in her carseat.  I decided to let him, it wasn't easy I wanted her to be safe and I felt like I was the only person that could keep her safe. I noticed I started nitpicking at how Joe was carrying her. Telling him to be careful, as if he wasn't which he probably was this was his baby too. I felt like as soon as I let that car seat go I was losing all control of the situation. We finally made it up the flight of steps to our second story apartment. Joey unlock the door and we went inside.

    After setting the baby down still in her car seat, both me and Joe looked at each other and said what are we supposed to do now. So clueless, that we ended up sitting there for 45 minutes until jasmine started crying and then we went through the normal list of things you go through to see why your child is crying. I checked her butt, I started taking some clothes off her in case she was hot it was January and she had a snowsuit inside the house, and then when that wasn't the problem I went to make her bottle. I got the baby and the bottle and went to my bedroom and close the door. She stopped crying as I was feeding her, but as soon as I stop she started again and wouldn't stop. I figured she was still hungry so I went and made her another 2 ounce bottle . She drank about half of that and was full. I guess the nurses were wrong when they told me a baby her size and age drinks about to ounces every 2 hours.  I went to change her diaper before she fell asleep and she peed on me. Totally hilarious experience that I'll never forget. I laughed just about until I cried. It was the first break of anxiety I had the whole day.

    When Jasmine fell asleep, I tried to put her in her crib. She probably would have been okay there but for me the crib was just too far away. Not because I was lazy and didn't want to move to her when she cried, but because I couldn't see her and I wanted to at all times. I didn't really sleep at all that night, I knew how people would say you sleep when the baby sleeps but I didn't want to. I couldn't take my eyes off her I was kind of scared if I did something was going to happen. Her clothes were kind of baggy and I remember thinking what if she squirms too much they could go over her face. Also I wanted to see she was still breathing, I don't know why I thought it but I thought she was going to stop. And it scared me. I ended up putting her in a bouncer inside an infant pack-n-play right next to my side of the bed. Then just stared at her all night, she was beautiful and I was so in love with her, I just wanted to protect her from everything........

~Jessie